When Stress Management Fails: Living Your Fullest Life Anyway

March was overwhelming and brought up a lot of stuff, didn't it?

This past month brough a lot of changes personally and professionally and when I thought about writing my usual articles, I felt like I was in hiding— from work, my community, and myself. March got the best of me, but that happens. My key takeaway was identifying some pressure points I didn't know I was particularly vulnerable to.

These have been common themes amongst the people I work with, so I thought I'd see if any of these speak to you, too.

You don't need to feel guilty for doing what is best for you.

I love saying this because it's never less true than it is today. We're all affected by this sometimes. I know you are working hard trying to maintain your home, your job, your family, and your future. That is no easy feat. Every day, you are trying to better yourself, break generational curses, and address domestic, social, and economic needs for all the people who depend on you, including yourself. Sometimes the needs pile up without any extra relief and you have to be the one to make decisions that other people may not understand or like. But its okay. You must take committed action and decide what (or who) to be true to.

Healthy guilt serves to change behavior. Healthy guilt says 'I did something wrong and I want to fix it'. It involves making amends and changing behavior. Healthy guilt is good because it enables us to break patterns of behavior that disserve us in the long run. Pay attention to healthy guilt, where you may be overextending yourself, showing up disingenuously, or creating problems for yourself.

Unhealthy guilt is misplaced, disproportionate, and irrational, and keeps you stuck in a self-depreciating cycle where you feel trapped. Unhealthy guilt poses unrealistic options and does not motivate you to change for the better. It is inherently what keeps you burdened. Unhealthy guilt should be reframed into more realistic terms and applied to break bad habits (i.e. serving your 'greater good' instead of your inner critic).

Clear, but kind boundaries are how we navigate life without major disruption to our systems.

Brene Brown, Ph.D, says "clear is kind". One thing I noticed is how often our boundaries become unclear in times of stress and we force ourselves to become super-people and do everything. The unfortunate part is that we become the most unkind to ourselves. Despite wanting/needing to do things differently, we keep pushing our boundaries and sometimes we suffer for it. We can start to envy the lives of other people who seem to have it better than we do (i.e. better means more sustainable). Clear, but kind boundaries help us create a sustainable life that honors the needs we have.

Here is how we can apply this. 'Different' is not bad, inferior, or sub-par. Different is just that—different. Doing things alternatively is how we can practice being non-judgmental and accepting of all parts of ourselves and reality, without compromising ourselves in the process. If we acknowledge that clear but kind boundaries are different than what we are currently practicing, we can open ourselves up to them. Different boundaries will afford us more time, space and energy to commit to what is most meaningful.

You are the gatekeeper to your system. If you are going to bed well after you need, saying 'yes' to the needs of other people, accepting tasks and responsibilities on the fly, and/or are susceptible to being pressured by other people, you may need different boundaries. Remember, the people who attempt to test your different boundaries are likely the people who benefit from you having unsustainable boundaries in the first place. That doesn't make them malicious, nor does it make us weak. It makes us human. And to be humane, you need boundaries to survive without catastrophe.

The most humane thing you will ever do is have boundaries around that which you love.

You have to find passion, pleasure, and reasons for living, even when the pressure to perform is immense.

Do you ever feel like you are 'performing' in your life instead of living in it? Like there is so much chaos or feeling unsettled, you are just going from one set to the next, hoping nobody notices that it's all an act?

Sometimes you've got to get real with yourself—real clear, real honest, and real dedicated to the pursuit of happiness. I can't tell you how often I've had both internal and external dialogue about finding meaningful reasons to get up and do what we do everyday because nobody can do it for us and then didn't follow through. Sometimes short ourselves of so much 'life' in the process that we end like these shells of ourselves, always hoping that happiness is just around the corner. We've got to live like life is a finite amount of time and that pleasure is non-negotiable.

But what if happiness can be around the corner? JUST TRY MY NEW COURSE FOR $1000—no I'm just kidding. If we start looking for happiness, it is always just around the corner. Intrinsic motivation to work another day and do the hard stuff can come from knowing that we are never on the losing end of life. Living a live where you get to do the things that you love is its own reward.

Where did you find happiness this week? Where do you find peace in a time of disruption? How are you celebrating your life?

Go seeking. I want to know what you find.

Practice Place

Here is where we put pen to paper and practice the concepts we talk about.

Practice one of the ideas below.

1. Separate out healthy vs unhealthy guilt in one important area and make a change in behavior in one of them. Take direct action. Don't dally.

2. Set one new boundary this week in an important area. If you need to soften the idea to get it done, try using language that keeps options open for you (i.e. "Thank you for thinking of me. I'll be happy to see when this makes the most sense to do.")

3. Complete one pleasurable activity this week, with no rationalization, monetization, justification, or explanation
   
   

Messages for the Inevitable: 4 Philosophies

I know you are doing your best and your effort is enough.

February was a hectic month. I went into it with a plan and I thought the plan would be enough, but February had a few surprises for me. In the words of Mike Tyson, "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth" and February certainly punched me in the mouth...

I wanted to use our time this week to remind you of a few things that might help soften the feelings of life not going according to plan or turning out differently, despite your best efforts. We are moving and grooving and that isn't always easy.

But you know what? It is okay. Because I came to the conclusion that no matter what is happened, my first responsibility is to figure out what I need to hear, what I need to know, and who I need to be. Sometimes there is so much noise in the week, we lose sight of the most important elements. These messages help remind me of what is possible, instead of what is going wrong.

Here are four themes that came to me in therapy this week that helped me keep going when the plan wasn't enough. I hope one of these touches you.

​The principle of inherent worthiness: you are worthy as a birthright.

Sometimes, we think our worthiness is a negotiation and we struggle to give ourselves rest, relief, or good things until they are earned. Stop this. Stop this right now. In this moment, nothing else is required to display confidence, eat your food while it is hot, or take a break. Visible proof of stress is not required to redeem or act on what you need in this life.

This one is especially applicable for navigating 'mom guilt', being a caregiver, or someone who occupies multiple roles in life (i.e. professional work, domestic work, financial contribution, organizing social and emotional experiences for others, giving away your time, etc.). You don't need to provide proof that you are tired. You don't need to justify why you are asking other members of the household to contribute more. You have not waived your right to hobbies and activities because you have children. You are allowed to eat food while it is warm. You do not need to justify what you have done to naysayers or those who don't pay the bill in your home. Be less concerned about how things may look and more concerned with how they are for you.

You are inherently worthy of what you need to execute the job (motherhood, giving, being a good human, etc.), regardless of how many accomplishments, accolades, gold stars, wins/losses, successes/failures, kudos, audience reviews, or positive moods you have that day. Allow yourself to experience fully this life, and everything in it that was meant for you. Give yourself full permission to believe in inherent worthiness as a birthright.

Benevolence will allow you to make the most generous assumptions about yourself and others.

Benevolence is usually referenced to mean 'kindness'. We want kindness in the sense that we believe the best about ourselves and other people. Benevolence described here is based on what Brene Brown has shared in her books, podcast, and other writings. She asks the question, 'what benevolent boundaries need to be in place for me to stay in my integrity and make the most generous assumptions about you?' When she said this, she was talking about staying away from judging ourselves and other people—essentially making up lies.

We are not looking for an absolute truth, proof that someone else is being honest or forcing anybody to do anything. We are developing a stance that we will only create narratives that uphold our integrity. For example, if somebody asks you for $50 and you don't have it, benevolence means believing that this person has resources other than you and can meet their own needs. It might sound like, "I'm not going to beat myself up. They are capable of planning for what is most important to them, without considering how much I've earned or saved." Or, it could also be that you did have $50, but didn't want to give it to them for one hundred different reasons. Benevolence is telling yourself, " This is how I am maintaining our relationship. I don't want to feel used for my resources. Saying no protects our friendship."

We have a much better experience in life when we hold the position 'my life will be better if I believe the best about other people.' Your benevolent boundaries will allow you to believe that other people are doing their best and so are you. It doesn't require making judgments or shaming other people. It it a way of thinking that uplifts everybody.

You have to communicate what you need from other people.

If you broke your leg and were wearing a cast, other people would know not to invite you dancing. But some wounds, like grief, stress, and other forms of tenderness aren't always visible to other people. We have to use our words and be explicit with what we need from other people. Relying on mindreading as a strategy may ruin your relationships.

Communicate what you need instead of hoping people can intuit the unspoken and become the missing piece. If the person you are angry with now could truly read your mind, I guarantee you they would not be working 9 to 5. Speak your peace into existence.

Your mind is a garden and you are responsible for pulling your own weeds.

Pulling your weeds can be an unpleasant task, so it gets put off and excused until you have to devote hours to what could have been a ten minute weekly task. Pulling weeds can look like telling yourself, "That's destructive. I don't do that anymore", or "I know criticizing myself would be easier, but how can I apply self-compassion here?" or "Worrying is an unpaid position. I am going to choose not to worry and put energy into what I am willing to do about the situation."

As with all gardens, they are much easier to maintain on a consistent basis, rather than overhaul them once conditions are notably bad. We can live more peacefully if we practice maintaining our mind's landscape, including the unpleasant task of pulling the weeds.

I hope some of this has been helpful to you. Let me know what topics you want to read about next time. I'm here for it.

I'll see you next time.

Kasey David

Practice Place

During times of stress, we all need to hear something clear, kind, and supportive. We can learn to strengthen the voice that nurtures us and keeps us going, despite the doubt and uncertainty of life.

This week, let's practice telling ourselves what we need to hear to navigate the tricky places. No excuses. No mean-spiritedness. No second-guessing our instincts. Just good old-fashioned quality messaging.

Let's find our voice and the language that facilitates us being at peace with ourselves.

1. Find a voice to use. Sometimes it is hard to believe our own inner dialogue, so we need to hear the voice of someone we love, admire, or respect talking to us. I was humbled this week when a beloved client of mine told me that she heard MY voice in times of stress. Select a voice/person whom you would believe if they said these things to you.

2. Find the language. What do you need to hear that will allow you to make peace with the present? Think about where stress came up this week and what would have allowed you to navigate it without great resistance. Allow yourself to find a message that supports a more peaceful world view.

3. Apply this voice and the theme you need to hear at least one day this week.
   ​

Procrastination & Inaction: How to Get More Done & Become Unstuck

In case you're new here, my name is Kasey David, LCSW, and I am a therapist. I specialize in the treatment of Anxiety Disorders for women of color at Culture of Therapy Wellness Group. I write these articles for anyone interested in a licensed therapist's perspective on mental health and wellness.

---

Hey there, Friends.

When our anxiety is high and/or tangled with elements of self-oriented perfectionism or socially-prescribed perfectionism, sometimes we don't look forward to the process of doing things. We either delay or it try to avoid it completely. For perfectionists, procrastination can come from the uncertainty and fear about the outcome of our efforts.

If you're a procrastinating perfectionist, you may get so caught up in the 'what-ifs' that you don't take any action at all.

What if it doesn't turn out perfectly?

What if I don't make the best choice?

What if I can't get it just right?

What if I fail?

Let's be open to the idea that inaction is a set of behaviors designed to consciously avoid tasks. Let's also agree it is problematic. I'm going to do less talking than usual here so we can take more action on this one, sooner.

Here are some common factors affecting procrastination. Let's review each one and go over some remedies. We are going to use some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based techniques to make change here. Let's get to it.

All-or-Nothing Thinking: You may have heard me describe this as dichotomous thinking or black-or-white thinking before. It is part of series of cognitive filters we use to interpret information and assess the world. Everybody sues these filters from time to time, but when they are overused, they can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and stress.

When we put two things (two decisions, two outcomes, two aspects) and force them into one of two categories, we're not going to have much room to live. Humans are complex. We don't always fit into boxes. The outcome of doing things may not always fit into one category (nor should it) and thinking of the end result this way will slow us down. All-or-Nothing thinking will limit what you can do.

Rumination: Rumination is dwelling on something you perceive as wrong. It tends to be on repeat in your mind, replaying over and over as you analyze the contents. It also tends to occur as you are at rest. Your inner critic can be a strong contributor to the process, reminding you of what a failure you are and how you could have done better. Rumination has a wishful quality to it instead of an active, process-oriented approach. Rumination is distinguished from problem-solving in that you are focused on the problem instead of potential solutions and rumination will continue until you disrupt it.

We have to learn to not take part in rumination. Rumination, like worry, is a behavior. All behaviors have a purpose, so take a moment to identify how you benefit from rumination. For example, you may benefit from ruminating in the sense that if you are still thinking about a problem, you are free from needing to take action towards it. If you don't have to take action, you are not at risk of failing or making things worse.

Tunnel Vision/Selective Attention: Selective attention is singularly focusing on one aspect of your experience. It is another type of cognitive distortion or filter that is used to interpret information. It can go hand in hand with all-or-nothing thinking and contribute to significant patterns of anxiety and depression.

New Process: Cognitive Reframing (Alternative Thoughts). Coming up with alternative ways of thinking about what you want to do will expand your opportunities in life. The goal here is mental flexibility and developing open-mindedness. A growth mindset will allow us to entertain the idea that the world is not always as wee see it. Lets try and identify a common automatic thought that we have habitually and work on changing that thought. The process of reframing involves answering some questions about the thought we're having so that we may challenge that style of thinking and have more flexibility in what we think.

Think of an automatic negative thought you want to challenge.

Write it in a single sentence as specifically as you can.

Create alternative thoughts by answering the following questions:

1. What evidence do you have that this thought is true—evidence that would hold up in a court of law?

2. What evidence do you have from your own experience that this thought is not true?

3. Would other people agree that this thought is true?

4. Is this thought helpful or hurtful to you?

5. Are you making a judgment call based on the way you feel instead of on objective facts?

6. If someone you cared about told you they had the same exact thoughts what would you tell them?

7. Are there benefits to thinking this way? If so, what are they?

8. Are there costs to thinking this way? If so, what are they?

9. How likely is it that your thought is 100% true? Even if it is possible, is it probable?

10. What are some alternative explanations for your original thought?

Once you have alternative thoughts developed, reread them. Focus and consistently remind yourself that new ways of thinking and behaving are good things. You are literally restructuring your perspective.

New Process: Awareness (Red Flags): We want to develop a level of self-awareness that we are ruminating. Lets practice identifying a list of red flags that indicate we are habitually ruminating. Verbally processing your thoughts or saying them out loud, can help to aide in building self-awareness. In addition, instead of getting caught up in the content of our thoughts (the words we make up), we may try visualizing them in some form, so that we can detach from them. Awareness of thoughts help us notice that thoughts can just "pass though" if we don't over-identify or over align with them.

1. Do you repeatedly dwell on specific instances from your life? If so, describe them.

2. Do you ask yourself particular questions over and over? Please note them.

3. Do you overly focus on certain aspects of yourself— personality traits, moods, physical states, physiological sensations in a negative way? Please describe them.

If you find yourself ruminating, answer these questions:

Is this thought process helping me accomplish anything right now?

1. Is this thought process helping me accomplish anything right now?

2. Is this process helping me problem-solve or plan effectively?

3. Is there anything I can do about this problems right now?

If you answered 'yes' to question #3, then take committed action. Keep these in an accessible area and read them to yourself to disrupt the habit of rumination.

New Process: Inaction to Action: Setting SMART Goals. It can be more comfortable to put things off when we are looking at an overwhelming situation — whether it is overwhelmingly bad (selective attention), overwhelmingly good or bad (all-or-nothing thinking), or overwhelming on repeat (ruination).

SMART stands for: specific, measurable + meaningful to you, attainable + achievable, realistic + relevant and time-limited.

We talked about SMART Goals in an earlier edition when we discussed the importance of setting ourselves up for success in our goals this year. Setting goals using this process will help you rely less on problematic habits, like ruminating on an approachable task.

SMART Goals create clarity and boundaries and don't involve your worth or self-esteem to generate activity. Allow goals formatted in this way to help get you un-stuck from thought processes that no longer serve you.

Original goal: I will write an article on procrastination.

SMART Goal: On Sunday at 7:00pm, I will spend 25 minutes reviewing materials I have on procrastination so I can make an article outline. On Monday, I will fill in the body of the article and ask Irene to proofread it, so I don't ruminate after I've written it. On Tuesday, I will create my pictures inserts and schedule the article to publish on Wednesday morning.

Remember this, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

All of these tools are designed to help us approach our process to tasks, so that we are moving towards our most meaningful life.

Let me know what strategies have helped you in the past or what topics you want to learn more about!

I hope some of this has been helpful to you.

I'll see you next time.

Kasey David

---

In therapy, these are the mindsets we dive into to help meet our goals. Therapy helps keep us accountable to our true selves and figure out what is most important to do in this life.

---

Practice Place

Here is where we put pen to paper and practice the concepts we talk about.

It can be difficult to break habits that have served us so well over time. Start small and be patient and brave (not avoidant) with this one. Start here.

Here is how you can practice this week.

1. Complete the reframing exercise. Download the guide.

2. Make 3-5 small decisions on a daily basis. Do this every 24 hours.

3. Set one SMART goal each day and complete it.

Take time to put these into place and develop a new way of thinking about the process in which you do things, not the outcome. Remember, we don't control the outcome, only our effort.

Self Love: A Plea To Accept All Parts of Yourself

All of You Deserves Everything

---

In case you're new here, my name is Kasey David, LCSW, and I am a therapist. I specialize in the treatment of Anxiety Disorders for women of color at Culture of Therapy Wellness Group. I write these articles for anyone interested in a therapist's take on mental health and wellness.

---

Hey there, Friend.

It's February.

The novelty of the new year has worn off. Our friends are starting to show their progress pictures and we're being sucked into the oblivion of lace, chocolate, and red.

There's a lot to acknowledge this February. Black History. Taxes. Education. Healthcare. Pandemic. Valentine's Day. And at least 27 other holidays/events (official and unofficial).

May you find peace, safety, and comfort in all of the life happening around you right now.

Here is the theme of this article: You don't have to choose between which parts of yourself are worthy of acceptance, attention, visibility, respect, time, or love. They also don't need to be limited to one month of the year. You can make it a practice of tending to all parts of yourself—even the parts that aren't so lovable, all year round.

Loving all parts of yourself, as an act of self-compassion, is a radical act. In a time where acknowledging the uglier parts of ourselves can mean social shame and disconnection, be a rebel and a trendsetter.

There is an emphasis this month on making a very visible (and sometimes expensive) stance toward love. It's appetizing. It's pretty. It's special. It's socially sanctioned. Buy this. Say this. Book that. I'm not trying to rob you of any special traditions or designated days you show love to yourself and others. Please, indulge. I am also saying, please, please, please, make it an everyday habit of applying the same lenses, attitudes, and traditions you have in February, throughout the rest of the year.

On an outward, visible, manner, tend all parts of yourself. In an inward, powerful, and less visible manner, tend to all parts of yourself. Make space for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Being accepting of all parts of ourselves means learning to embrace all of our qualities (positive, negative, and neutral), experiences, temperaments, strengths, shortcomings, the unknown, the well known, the sticky, and the vulnerabilities inherent in the human experience.

When commercially exploited, the words "self-love" can engender the idea that you are meant to spend money and feel an intoxicating bouquet of love.

I'm not against getting your sweet tooth satisfied. I invite you to scheme, as I do most of the time, and satisfy other unmet needs you may have.

Maybe you would like to say no without giving explanations.

Maybe you would like to trust your ability to handle a more significant project line at work.

Maybe you would like to request more contributions from the other members of the household.

Being more inclusive of all of your needs and experiences might sound like:

• "I'm not going to try and satisfy rules and equations of deservedness in my head. If it works for me, I'll make it a priority."

• "I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm tired. I'm going to stop now."

• "No is a complete sentence."

• "I believe you are trying your best and I still need us to come to an agreement on the issue."

Set your intentions.

"I can learn to trust myself and find the safety within me."

"I can begin to allow the underrepresented parts of my experience to have a stronger voice."

"Making space for all parts of myself allows me to be generate feelings of safety and security."

Getting started with any new practice by setting one intention, is more important than being an expert.

How do you practice embracing all parts of yourself?

In my initial assessments with clients, I go over a section that I call "the brag box". I ask clients to tell me what makes them happy, what they are good at, strengths, hobbies, accomplishments, things they spend a lot of time doing, things they are proud of....I invite them to share those parts of themselves with me.

When we are trying to live a full, varied, life, it is important to make space for and honor all parts of ourselves. Making space more parts of yourself can be like visualizing a cookie.

The first cookie that comes to your mind might have been something warm and familiar, homemade, soft, and chewy. It has a certain texture to it that you know well. Now, envision other qualities about that cookie, or another cookie you'd like to try. This cookie might be one you didn't have to spent an hour making yourself. A store-bought cookie. This cookie may have a crunchier texture, include nuts, best consumed with a beverage (I like apple juice).

There is no such thing as a bad cookie, unless said cookie has tried to choke you. Then, we envision pie or something else instead.

Point being, humans, like cookies, exist in a multi-dimensional way. Being willing to experience all of the qualities (texture, taste, smell, size, occasion, quantity consumed, etc.) of your life cookies, will allow you to experience the fullness of what cookies have to offer. If you limit yourself and only focus on a few qualities (like whether or not a cookie looks appetizing), you may not experience the fullness, richness, or abundance you were meant to.

We only have one go-around on this globe. You want the warmest, most inviting, sensual, loving, experience you can foster. Don't short yourself. Eat a variety of cookies!

Embrace the variety of your life, experiences, and qualities.

Your computer browser isn't the only one who wants you to accept all the cookies.

In honor of the Random Acts of Kindness Day, on February 17, please accept two recipes! Actually, I only made the first recipe. The second belongs to Nestle Tollhouse, but that is neither here nor there.

Please take these recipes and receive them with all the love that you can.

---

Practice Place

Here is where we put pen to paper and practice the concepts we talk about.

Practice tending to one part of yourself that doesn't get as much love, attention, or acceptance as the other parts.

Create your own Self-Love Recipe. Get creative!

1. Create your own recipe with individual ingredients for self-love this week.

2. Write out 3 ways you can apply one or two ingredients, daily.

3. Download the blank recipe card and save for future use.​

Perfectionism: The Promises and the Costs + 3 Strategies to Reduce the Burden

In case you're new here, my name is Kasey David, LCSW, and I am a therapist. I specialize in the treatment of Anxiety Disorders for women of color at  Culture of Therapy Wellness Group. I write these articles for anyone interested in a therapist's take on mental health and wellness.

---

Hello, Friends.

In the last issue, I promised to write about a few techniques on addressing perfectionism.

The problem, if you noticed, was that I said I would have it to you one week later.

Ahhhhh. Time. My old enemy, but new best friend. Let me tell you why.

It's now two weeks later, and the article comes out.

Why does it matter? One very important reason.

I had promised you something—an idea that was built on perfection and not an actionable practice.

As the week started to elapse (and I had not gotten started), I started to concoct this fable in my mind about how everything you think of me is dependent upon me keeping to that timeline. When last Monday arrived and I had nothing, I started to think the worst.

I imagined somebody waiting for that article feverishly by their inbox on Monday morning 1/30/23 at 6:00am and falling flat on the floor when they realized I hadn't published one. Huffing and puffing. Curious? Annoyed. Disappointed. Waiting for me.

"They must be thinking awful things about me."

"They must have been disappointed in me."

"I must look like a lying fool."

"They were probably looking forward to reading that article before they brushed their teeth!"

"What a public failure, Kasey. Let's not bring it up again. Maybe nobody will notice."

That was my inner dialogue as last Monday came and went—and the article was supposed to be published.

Here's why I tell you this little experience of mine.

Perfectionism is an identity thief and bully, and is a largely unpaid position. It is about giving us one inch of space to live in each day.

It can be important to explore the origins of perfectionism, but we won't do it here. I have a lot to say about perfectionism as a protective strategy, a relational skill, an addiction, and onwards, but that's an article for another time. And this is not to say that perfectionism never works for us. It does, just not when we over-rely on it, at different times in our life. Perfectionism does not always reliably give accolades and accomplishments.

For this article, I am going to assume perfectionism is contributing to burnout and stress, and is in your way in an important area.

I unknowingly held myself to a perfectionistic standard when saying I would share what I knew with you next week. Now, it was true then, and is still true now. I want to share what I know.

Once I started to notice I wasn't getting any work done, I needed to reevaluate my approach to the task. (but I didn't, so nothing happened and here we are).

Because if I know one thing in my old age, it is that when I am not getting things done, it means perfectionism may be the culprit. Compared to when I was in my teens and twenties, perfectionism got everything done. Now, I am not getting results at the same rate I used to.

Perfectionism invites you to survive present day in ways that may have been helpful at one point, because they protected you. They were needed and necessary. But when you no longer benefit from using those same strategies, you may have outgrown them.

Though perfectionism can be well-intended (protective), it does not always convert into an actionable practice. It can be very rigid, black-or white-, and emphasize that doing less is the same as being mediocre, lazy, selfish, or stupid, etc.

Lessening our perfectionistic policies can create more room for rest, excitement, money, and freedom to do what you love. It's a win-win.

In what ways could you benefit if you can lessen perfectionism in one important area?

If you could get rid of all of the 'unpaid positions' in your life, like anxiety and perfectionism, how much more free time would you have? What parts of yourself could be seen authentically? How much shame could you let go of?

Perfectionism can disrupt our ability to connect with others. But the funny thing is, we never have as many enemies as we think. I'll bet that we can be imperfect and still find love, health, and happiness in this life.

If we can't, then I owe you $10.

Three Strategies to Reduce the Burden of Perfectionism

1. Develop more of a gradient for your experiences.

We've all been using these strategies to effectively achieve our goals, but now they might be working against us. We want to look as our goals, and how to achieve them, without taking an all-or-nothing approach. There are other areas of our lives where we don't have a black-and-white approach and we still achieve our goals. What are the fundamental rules in those areas that we can apply to our perfectionistic areas?

2. Diversify how it is that you define your worth.

Perfectionism often has us think that if we achieve the goal, and the goal is in that top 5%, we are perfect. Furthermore, we can avoid the pain of being imperfect. If we land in the other 95%, our effort gets attached to our worth and we are mediocre, terrible, lazy, stupid, ineffective, etc. Define your worth by multiple categories by multiple criterion.

You can still have a code to live by, and that code should allow you the room to behave differently, without utter and disastrous failure as a human being, mother, employee, friend, companion, etc.

3. Develop discrimination strategy to identify which rules are flexible and which are not.

A discrimination strategy allow you to behave in a way different than you are now and pull back the reigns of perfectionism. You may be used to adhering to a rule that says, "I will do my best". That rule might backfire if you are perfectionistic at work and you go to work trying to do your best every day. When your best has lead you to a 60 hour work week, missing out on experiences with your family, and going to work sick, you may realize you will never be able to answer the question "have I done my best" because your best is never ending effort.

Learning is experiential, so I encourage you to practice with real world tasks on this one. Investigate the areas where you can afford to be less perfect (i.e. where the costs are not as great). Remember, feeling uncomfortable is not the same as being mediocre. If you are uncomfortable during the activities, you are doing them correctly.

Learning should also be self-compassionate and the most loving thing you do for yourself. Being sensitively attuned to your needs means recognizing what is possible in the here and now.

Create a way of seeing the world based on who you are now and not who you may have been 10 years ago or who you could be 5 years from now. Who you could have, would have, should have been, used to be, or have the potential to be is not as relevant as who you are right now. Develop practices based on who you are right now.

I hope some of this has been helpful to you.

I'll see you next time.

Kasey

---

If you're new here, you can look at all of the articles written before that might be referred to above, using the arrows below.

---

There is more to come on the topics of anxiety & burnout, OCD, relationships, depression, stress, motherhood, self-esteem, goals, fulfillment, and the emotional material that gets in the way.

---

In therapy, these are the mindsets we dive into to help meet our goals. Therapy helps keep us accountable to our true selves and figure out what is most important to do in this life.

---

Practice Place

We will create an actionable plan for a goal you have in mind this week. We're going to practice with #3 form the strategies above.

Think of a goal that is mild-moderate in difficulty level.

1. Identify the first three (3) steps in the sequence.

2. Create one discrimination strategy to adhere to and measure progress on this goal.

You should be able to assign or delegate this task (in theory) to someone else and they should be successful. If you can't identify what comes first, second, and third, you're going to have a hard time making it actionable. Stay on this step long enough until you have a workable plan. After you have the three steps, create a meaningful discrimination strategy to keep you progressing, not perfecting.

My initial goal unconsciously sounded like this: "I will sit down to write my article when I have time to do it all. And if I don't find time to do it all in one sitting, I'll do it later, when I have more time. And if I don't do it later, I'll just write it at the last minute and hide/ignore/distort any internal feelings, thoughts and sensations of being less than perfect throughout the week (cue binge eating, avoidance of ALL work, rumination, and shame).

Better Goal: "I will write an article this week about perfectionism for those who see it as a burden. I will skim existing material I have on perfectionism, outline 3 talking points, and then write for one hour to begin."

1. Make it actionable, in a series of linear steps, that exist in reality (on a calendar).

"I will skim two existing materials I have relating to Perfectionism for no more than 10 minutes and note three talking points to organize the article, exclusively.

To avoid getting sidetracked, keep what you're doing to the goal at hand. Do not allow this task infiltrate into other needed projects.

"I will create an outline of my article in the system I use to publish the emails on a template for no more than 15 minutes. It will have the beginning, middle talking points, and the conclusion.

"I will spend one hour writing a fuller draft of the article today 2/1/23. I can then move onto adding graphics and proofreading."

2. Create a discrimination strategy for the area you need. For example, how will I measure progress in increments?

"I will set an alarm, so I am not tempted to write 'until I think I did my best' or 'until it is done'.

"I may need to work exclusively by timers, alarms, and break patterns. I may need to define doneness as "the timer went off".

The new goal doesn't rely on "my best" (i.e. a previous standard that used to work), perfect timing (i.e. when I have 3 consecutive hours to write, which forces me to have a very open schedule or put it into my rest and relaxation time), or goodwill/hope (i.e. 'I know I can do it, and if I am smart enough, I will').

This goal does rely on series of actionable and enforceable tasks that keep my ego out of it, shows tangible benefits to me, and my overall commitment to the process.

I hope you found some of this helpful. Feel free to share with anyone who may benefit.

4 Strategies to Reduce Your Anxiety & Optimize Your Week

Cue the end of the month anxiety! January has flown by, but it always does when we are busy moving and grooving. I hope these past three weeks have given you enough challenge, excitement, and motivation to keep you productive and aiming high. (Notice I say high and not perfect. More on this later).

But... I know aiming high doesn't come without consequence. And when I say consequence, I mean anxiety. Nagging, gnawing, hand-wringing anxiety.

I wouldn't be doing my job as a therapist if I didn't share with you some specific tools to reduce anxiety. Here are four of my most used techniques to keep you functioning optimally (my word of the year).

What thoughts and feelings come up for you as you think about resolving what makes you anxious?

Let's get to it.

Problem Solving

This one sounds basic and self-explanatory, but let me tell you why it is crucial for people who worry.

Worrying is a learned strategy. We worry because it is easier than thinking of traumatic/stressful things. We also want to prevent harm, increase the likeliness of better things happening, and feel safe. We might even be a little superstitious.

The problem with worry, is that it is useless. Worrying, as a strategy, is not going to be as effective as taking the steps to brainstorm, generate solutions, decide which are appropriate and fitting, and executing real-world action.

Think of it this way: A friend approaches you after not having any food for 10 hours and they tell you they are hungry. You tell them that you understand hunger pains and know they will not be hungry soon because you are going to worry on their behalf. What!? You would never. You would ask them when they plan to eat (to help them solve their problem). You would not accept a reality where your friend is no longer hungry just because you worried profusely.

Don't let worry distract you from finding real-world solutions to problems.

---

Mindful Acceptance

Avoiding anxiety (or any unpleasant sensations, thoughts, and feelings) will only increase your discomfort. Visualize a Chinese finger trap. You put your fingers into each end and try to escape. However, it is a trap! The more you fight and struggle, the more it grips you, and your discomfort increases. When you don't fight—when you give up the struggle—you are closer to the solution.

Once you accept discomfort, it no longer bothers you. If something no longer bothers you, you are likely using mindful acceptance.

Let's practice how to lean into discomfort and away from resistance. Try using process words (ending in 'ing') and not command words. Let's also add imagery to this.

Say this: 'Noticing the space that anxiety takes up in my body...what color it would be...what texture it would be if I could feel it...not changing it...just allowing it to be there...accepting it.' Visualize and repeat. Lean in.

Sometimes our resistance to discomfort causes suffering. If we practice allowing things to be as they show up in our lives, we suffer less.

The key words give anxiety permission to be there. We lean into anxiety instead of avoiding it. In turn, it bothers us less.

---

Worry-Outcome Diary

Track what your worry is ahead of time, what really happened, and then rate the outcome.

For worries rated '3' and above, note how you handled them.

Often times we overestimate threats and underestimate our ability to resolve them, leading to chronic worry. To reduce anxiety, practice identifying what your worry is, and rating the outcome on a scale of 1-5. For worries that turned out to be much worse than you feared, note how you handled it.

To get the most use out of this, practice with a diverse array of worries (i.e. financial, health, relationships, food, body, etc.)

In a study done of clients with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, worried-about outcomes rarely happened, but when they did, clients handled them much better than they would they would (Borkovec, Hazlett-Stevens, Diaz, 1999).

Track what your worry is ahead of time, what really happened, and then rate the outcome.

For worries rated '3' and above, note how you handled them.

---

Finding the Want

Sometimes telling ourselves that we need to do something creates a lot of psychological pressure, unclear timelines, and the potential for unfulfilled demands. I understand there may be things we all need to do, but a less painful way to experience life is to find the want within the need. Here is an example.

I need to clean my bathroom.

This is factually true. Nobody is going to argue with me about it, but it's not too enticing as a set up. These things sounds better and enhance motivation.

I want to take pride in my living space.

I want to minimize exposure any lingering germs and bacteria to protect my health.

I want to see my effort and hard work in a visible way.

I am more likely to take ownership, accountability, and pride in cleaning the bathroom using my own wants to get something done, rather than needs.

---

I hope one of these techniques is able to help ground and center you this week. But before I go....

I'd like to know. Feel free to hit reply and share with me what you do to reduce anxiety. I hope at least one of these strategies brings you some relief this week.

---

Next week, I will have a few special techniques for perfectionism. Stay tuned to find out more.

---

If you need a refresher on anything we've discussed so far about how we are setting ourselves up for the year, including how to set goals and having self-compassion for our upcoming mistakes, you can view the articles below.

If you are willing to live by the narrative that you are inherently worthy and ready for all that you want, stay tuned.

---

In therapy, these are the mindsets we dive into to help meet our goals. Therapy helps keep us accountable to our true selves and figure out what is most important to do in this life.

---

Practice Place

1. Pick one of the four strategies.

2. Practice it each day of the week.

3. Rate how the skill either increased, had no effect on, or reduced your anxiety.

Uncovering the Taboo: A Deep Dive Into Mental Health and Wellness With Culture of Therapy Wellness Group

#EnvisionRise Podcast | Host Staci Hegarty talks with Kasey David and Irene Oseguera of Culture of Therapy Wellness Group about their mission to serve marginalized communities and focus on therapy for women of color. They discuss the importance of relatability in therapy and the challenges of finding a therapist who understands your lived experience. They also offer advice for those looking to prioritize their mental health and wellness. Watch this episode on YouTubeVisit Culture of Therapy Wellness Group. Follow Culture of Therapy on Facebook and Instagram. Visit Envision RISE to learn how our evolutionary platform helps companies create a powerful integration and understanding of the relationship between the organization and the workforce. Envision RISE empowers your people to drive change and innovation through the methods of Organizational Change Management (OCM), Human Resource Management (HRM), and Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DE&I).Envision a Better Future. Follow us on social: LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. Contact us for info on RISE or interest in being a podcast guest: info@envisionrise.comAll podcasts produced by Elevate Media Group.

---

Check out the whole episode on Spotify here | Check us out on YouTube here

---

Self-Compassion and Mistakes

Lessons of the Week

1/16/2023

Hello Friends.

I had to really sit down and force myself to write this one. I thought I'd been staring at the screen for half in hour, but in reality, I've been staring at it all week. I've been avoiding.

Therapist tip: unlearn that avoidance, shame, and silence in areas that scare you mean 'safety'. They don't. The temporary feelings of relief they give are an illusion. Long term, they only add to your agony. Moving along...

This week's theme was all about being a learner in my own life and it didn't feel good.

I came to share with you the work I did, so you can start from a different (less hectic?) place. But before I tell you what work I did, let me tell you the juicy details on why I had to put in work.

It's now the third week of January. I’m sure you’ve hit a few barriers by now. Is any of this familiar?

• You didn't do what you said you were going to do.

• You spent more money than you intended to.

• You're yelling at your spouse and children.

• You feel like you let your manager at work down.

• You're lying to the people around you about how you really feel.

• You feel like you let yourself down.

This is what I've gathered from people over the last week or so. It resonates with me. What these all have in common is that we feel like we are making mistakes. If we think we are getting it wrong, the temptation is to stop right in our path and go back to safety (e.g. decide we're going to do something else). It can also mean we are struggling to navigate any outcomes, consequences, and spaces as a result of these mistakes.

This was my struggle this week.

I feel like I hurt somebody.

There, I SAID IT.

I think I hurt somebody. I don’t mean I aggressively or intentionally, but rather emotionally, unknowingly and unwittingly. I think I didn’t know enough about a situation, and I hurt somebody. I made a mistake.

I sat. I stewed. I was angry. I was sorry. I was resentful. I was hurt. I was scared. I felt lonely. I hated them. I hated me. I spent the whole week trying to avoid, discount, blame (me and them), get revenge, wish bad things upon, feel pity for, and on and on and on. After all, there is something in me that feels it is honorable to get and stay angry. The temptation to hide from others, avoid my pain, and escape was severe. I’d been playing music, listening to Audiobooks, and even noise as I was trying to sleep to avoid hearing with my thoughts. But all that got me was exhaustion AND suffering.

Even though I felt angry, guilty, and not worth my salt for the week, I am coming back to those pain points now for the lesson I needed in all of it.

Here’s why this is all important.

Sidebar: I trust that you are narrowing down where you are satisfied in your life and where you are not, so you can concentrate your efforts, like we talked about? If you're not, return to the articles from earlier this year and get to work!

Over the last two weeks, we’ve been talking the about defining our goal areas clearly before we act on anything. Mistakes, lack of knowledge, strange things, bad things, unfair things, are going to happen along the way. We need to prepare our mindset for them.

We need to strategically prepare psychologically, emotionally, and mentally for mistakes along the way.

And I don’t mean an oversimplified, commercial and superficial acceptance of “ahhh yes, mistakes will happen”.

I mean a gut wrenching, lose your appetite, down-on-your-knees kind of self-forgiveness, wholehearted accountability, empathic understanding, and lesson-planning for the outcomes you didn't prepare for, but happened anyway. You need to learn how to synthesize your lessons and keep going, perhaps in the same direction that you were before.

Because you encounter mistakes does not mean you are 'getting it wrong.' In fact, it means you are willing to be wrong, so you can get it right. Write that down.

Anybody who has been in therapy with me before has heard me say that perfection is a lonely, isolated place. Perfect people rarely have mistakes to report because they don't put themselves strategically in a position to make mistakes. They only have success to report, but success is easy when you scan ahead for 'failure' and decide not to go there. You learn nothing new.

When you make mistakes, you learn about who you are.

And nothing mystical here. I mean, you learn your tolerance levels for sharing your tender spots with other people. You learn your willingness to course correct quickly. You learn how your critical thinking either helps or hinders you. You learn what personal boundaries you have in place for identifying relevant life lessons. You learn to trust or distrust your aim towards narrow targets.

Your goals are now a narrow target.

How often do you set yourself up to hit narrow targets? Maybe not often, because the likeliness of hitting the target with a 90-100% accuracy each time is a lot to ask for. Your pride would not be happy if you starting losing too often. Maybe your friends or family would not be too happy, either? IT IS A LOT TO ASK FOR.

Friend, why aren't you asking for a lot?

Are you telling me that you have so much time on this globe, you can aim for large, less meaningful targets and brag to your friends about them, rather than smaller, more meaningful targets that intrinsically motivate you? Hmmm.

While the word ‘mistake’ doesn’t feel like it quite captures how I felt about what happened last week, it was clear. I had a profound sense of self-hatred in the aftermath of making mistakes. But it didn't help me perform any better. Blaming myself for not being wonderful that week, didn't pay the bills.

As a therapist, I often say this. You cannot outrun you, any part of you. Here's the good news: YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

I'm going to tell you why. They key to sitting with your own discomfort, no matter how it is caused, is self-compassion. You have to learn to exist with all parts of yourself at different times of your life and different stages of your experience.

Here's an anecdote if you like stories.

I had a conversation with one of my favorite humans this week, and this is what she said on the topic of mistakes we feel guilty for making:

​
​
"Mistakes only have the power we give them. We give them their weight. The more weight they have, the heavier they will be and harder to get rid of. But, its only as heavy as you allow it to be— that is called grace. You may have to work through consequences, but you have to forgive yourself. Grace is allowing yourself to decide how much you are going to suffer."

This human is alluding to a part of self-compassion called mindfulness.

Recovering from the mistakes we made does not require a pattern of shame, self-blame, manipulation, rage, or avoidance. Not saying that you won't have those feelings, but those feelings are not required to learn and improve. In fact, when you make mistakes, you might be terrified, abashed, and embarrassed. It's okay. Normalize the experience of having feelings and not running from them.

Accountability for mistakes is not the same thing as punishing yourself for making them. Correction does not require self-punishment or self-blame, but does requires self-compassion.

Kasey, are you REALLY going to try and sell us on ye ole 'be your own friend' wagon?

No. Self-compassion as a practice is a long-term investment. You may be nice to yourself as your own 'friend' because it suits you temporarily. If you grew up anything like I did, you think being your own friend means being hard on yourself no matter what you do. Those. are. lies. I want to be nice to myself all. the. time. Especially when I feel undeserving. There is nothing impressive about taking care of yourself when you feel good. To do it intentionally, because you feel bad, well, that is gold.

If being critical of yourself as a primary strategy worked, it would have worked by now. I am inviting you to be with your experiences in a different way.

Being self-compassionate is a deeper understanding of yourself, far beyond what is visible to you and others on the surface. I have spent years teaching people how to be self-compassionate in therapy and I would say I am still an amateur on the subject, but let me share what I know.

The Three Elements of Self-Compassion + Example + Practice

The Three Elements of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a loving, connected, presence. When we are in this state, our relationship to ourselves, others, and the world is transformed.

"Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?"-Dr. Kristin Neff

Mindfulness is being aware of moment to moment experiences in a clear and balanced manner. We are open to the reality of the moment, allowing everything to enter our awareness without resistance or avoidance.

Common Humanity is a sense of interconnectedness to other humans. All humans are flawed and constantly evolving. Making a mistake is not the exception, it is the rule for all of us. Mistakes are inevitable.

Self-kindness is the tendency to be as caring towards ourselves as we are towards others. We are supportive, warm, unconditionally accepting, and encouraging, and aim to protect ourselves from harm.

I Used Self-Compassion

As a way of relating to myself differently when I made mistakes. I opened myself up to the position of being a learner of my own life and mind.

This was by no means linear, but this is more or less what I did that aligns with the three components.

1. Mindfulness: I invited myself to be with what I was thinking and feeling, without resistance and avoidance. I stopped avoiding what I wanted to feel. I started to put the pieces of what happened together in a more balanced way. I noted what the repeat emotions were and gave myself permission to feel them, as ugly as they were. I said them out loud to myself so they weren't a secret anymore. Therapist tip, what is done in secret, usually has shame around it. Anything that you feel compelled to keep a secret may have more to do with shame than privacy. Privacy is a different matter. "I feel guilty that they are hurt. I feel irresponsible for being a less than perfect person. I want to escape because it's easier than sifting through all of these emotions, where I feel like I am at fault, but don't want to be. I feel embarrassed and also angry with them." I didn't exaggerate, but I didn't minimize either.

2. Common Humanity: Instead of isolating when I felt vulnerable, I reached out to my people and later, myself. Shame often tells us to keep things to ourselves so nobody knows we are inadequate. I reminded myself that 'feelings are not facts' and leant myself to some emotional vulnerability with a trusted friend. I didn't say I needed my ego stroked, but the opposite. "I feel really embarrassed about how my week is going. I think I just need to find my tribe this week and stay in good company. I don't need to rehash what happened, but rather focus on being connected to other people in meaningful ways. I was tempted to isolate and stew, but I am glad I chose to be here with you." Therapist tip, allowing yourself to have companionship, company, a tribe, friends, or accept love from others when you feel less than desirable is an excellent exercise to put shame in its place. Remember, shame is not visible to other people on the outside, only a feeling to us on the inside.

3. Self-Kindness: The kindest things I could do for myself was take action and set new boundaries around this. I have a responsibility to protect myself and others from harm, not to predict and control how people will feel or the aforethought to know everything about every everything. I sought consultation with two colleagues so that I might gain insight into where my limitations are and to strengthen my boundaries around the area. I said, "I can be accountable for my mistakes with responsibility, without blaming myself for not knowing what I don't know. I also want to practice not knowing everything, so I can be one of a handful of resources, not the only one."

Now, this is the cliffnotes version, so take it for what it is--a beginner's practice.

There were a lot of additional reflections I had, and I handled them in different ways. More on handling anxiety in upcoming articles.

I know this for sure. I am worth more than my biggest mistake this week.

You already know the answer.

Back to the concept of aiming for a narrow target. Self-compassion helps us aim at what is most important, not just what exists. Our willingness to make mistakes intentionally, and sit with what happens is directly dependent on our ability to tolerate those mistakes.

The road to success means making mistakes, and strategically sitting with the outcomes of those mistakes, through self-compassion. If self-compassion allows me to exist with my mistakes, pain, other parts of self, in a new way, so I may aim at narrow (important) targets, I am here for it.

Being self-compassionate means I am going to start asking myself for a lot. Good. I am inherently worthy of the goals I set for myself and mistakes are inevitable for all people. I choose not to isolate myself and pretend that mistakes make me a bad person while everyone else gets a pass.

Self-compassion will help me stay sensitively attuned to what I need, in service of those goals. Do I need a stronger tribe to help me power through mistakes? Do I need to reflect deeper on why I lean into escapism? (Side note, I was about to take another trip y'all. I couldn't stand being wrong, guilty, or embarrassed, so I was about to literally book a trip to a place where nobody knew me.) What do I need to unlearn to coexist with ALL the parts of myself, not just the parts that are pretty?

Self-compassion may take the burden of being right, AKA being a fortune-teller, off my plate for 2023. I'm ready to let it go. It was an unpaid position anyway.

​
And for those who follow me on social media, let me tell you the word of the year, like I promised: OPTIMIZE
​

Kasey's word for 2023: OPTIMIZE

​
I am not going to say the lessons I had for the past week were gifts. Because, if they were, I WANT THE RECEIPT. They just were. They happened. They exist. I am becoming okay with that.

I will be using self-compassion to optimize my successes this year. I will become more comfortable mistaking mistakes and use self-compassion in my recovery of those mistakes.

I left you with a question last week of: what restores the balance in areas you are dissatisfied with?

Thoughtful answer for myself: Self-compassion. I'm adding to this list as we go on.
​

​
Learn more about how to OPTIMIZE your skills this year in coming articles. Maybe you want to hear about something specific? Let me know.

Thank you for being here in this incredibly vulnerable space with me this week.

Did you have lessons this past week? If you find it in your heart to do so, share with me what lessons you found in your living space this week.

In therapy, these are the mindsets we dive into to help meet our goals. Therapy helps keep us accountable to our true selves and figure out what is most important to do in this life.

Practice Place

Lets start with a fair assessment of how self-compassionate we are currently.

Visit this website to complete the full Self-Compassion Scale and get your results calculated.

Take the Self-Compassion Assessment

Activity: Keep a self-compassion journal this week to see if you can relate to yourself with self-compassion. Journal your thoughts as they relate to these three areas. I invite you to connect with at least one area.

1. Mindfulness: This is often where we get lost in a storyline or run away with the details. Try and narrate a situation without any overpowering descriptors. Mindfully acknowledge your pain without exaggerating.

2. Common Humanity: We often judge ourselves, which can lead to feeling isolated in a situation. Try writing empathetic responses to difficult feelings or situations using words you might use with a friend. Recall how other people may have experienced something similar.

3. Self-Kindness: We can often struggle to give ourselves the same generosity, love, kindness, we extend to others. This is not the flex we think it is. Note your verbal and non-verbal gestures and what it means to truly be kind.

Thank you for listening.

Have You Thought About What I Asked You?

Make it stand out

Friends, about a week ago, I asked you to pick a life domain that you wanted to focus on this year. This is a tool to help us look at those domains further.

Friends, about a week ago, I asked you to pick a life domain that you wanted to focus on this year. Above is a tool to help us look at those domains further.

If you need a refresher on what I asked about last week, or want to forward it to a friend, you can catch it in my Blog.

Read the previous article here

Take a look at this wheel and shade in the extent to which you are satisfied with each area of your life. You can also change the domains to be more specific or label your own wheel completely.

Once you have labeled your domains, come face to face with how satisfied you are in each area. Where are you the most satisfied? Where are you the least satisfied? Why do you think that is?

What feelings come up for you as I asked you to think about how satisfied each of those areas make you?

I imagine there was some degree of discomfort rating how happy you are with your current financial situation, your intimate relationships, your health, or the amount of free time you have.

That discomfort is meant to move you...

Friends, are you willing to bring an unsatisfying life area into major focus this year?

If you answered 'yes', I'm happy for you. I think you'll get a lot out of the materials that come through these emails.

If you answered 'no', I am still happy for you because change is difficult to everyone in different ways. You can still honor your own resistance and move at your own pace. You can be self-compassionate and scared at the same time.

If you are ready...

Believing in your ability to do incredible things (i.e. change) should be founded in the belief system that you are inherently worthy.

Brene Brown, Ph.D. defines worthiness as "the conviction that you are good enough as you are, flaws and all, and that you deserve to be loved."

With inherent worthiness, you are making up the most powerful narrative you can about yourself—that you are always worthy of love and to be loved. Through that self-love, you can navigate this life and do what is difficult.

You can read an excerpt from Brene Brown's book, Rising Strong, where she talks about lovability, below.

If you are willing to live by the narrative that you are inherently worthy and ready for all that you want, stay tuned.

There is more to come on this topic of goals, fulfillment, and the emotional material that gets in the way. I'm here for it.

In therapy, these are the mindsets we dive into to help meet our goals. Therapy helps keep us accountable to our true selves and figure out what is most important to do in this life.

Practice Place

Here is a blank wheel for you to practice with as often as you like.

Download your Blank Wheel Of Life here.

Identify the 8 most relevant life areas you exist in. For example:

1. Mental Health

2. Physical Health

3. Financial Literacy

4. Passion/Pleasure

5. Social/Family

6. Professional

7. Intellectual

8. Culture

Rate on a scale of 0-10 how aligned you are in each of those domains.
​

If I rated my 'Culture' domain, a score of 2, which would mean 'low alignment', what activities am I engaging in that create the incongruence? What behaviors, beliefs, or feelings would represent congruence with what I want and what is currently happening? Am I willing to get into alignment for this area to see the success I want?

Questions to ask yourself:

What would I do more of?

What would I do less of?

What currently makes me uncomfortable (think avoidance)?

Where am I self-sabotaging?

Where am I maximizing strengths and talents?

What would I think of myself if I started doing X?

What would I believe about the world if I stopped doing X?

I want to know what restores the balance.

More on this next week, so challenge yourself to find the domain you want to reconcile this year.

Find this article and more like it on social media. Follow us @cultureoftherapywg for shorter content. Kasey talks a lot in blogs.

SPECIAL INVITATION

Struggling to narrow down your domain? Send me and email and let me help you out! Want to share your goals with me? I'd LOVE to see them! I am here to CHEER YOU ON! Email me at kasey@cultureoftherapy.com

Before You Set One More Goal… Think About This

Hi Friends! Happy New Year! I have something for you to chew on. What do you think about this...

If you only had a finite amount of resources to work on one goal for this year, what would it be?

If you only had a finite amount of resources to work on one goal for this year, what would it be?

​
This is the time of year when we all throw ourselves at the mercy of our new years morale and motivation and we go goal-crazy.

Now, I'm not saying don't set any goals this year, I'm saying, pick one. One. ONE. Just one.

​
​Pick one area to get clear about, with one goal, and focus on it. All. Year. Long.

​
People often get derailed because they have five, six, seven goals at any point. If each of those goals are clearly actionable, (which means they have specific steps, are measurable and timed, and have success clearly defined ahead of time) they should also have multiple sub-steps in each.

"A high quality and realistic goal has clear actionable steps that build on the success and work of the previous steps."-Kasey

​
​If you've got six goals for 2023 (and you know what I mean— save money, eat right, sleep well, make new friends, be kind to myself, and leave work on time), each with four actionable sub-steps, you now have one thing to do every 1 hour of the day for 24 hours. You'd have to lose sleep to get sleep! That is too many things to do for anyone who does not have a cape AND a personal assistant!

​
​A quality goal is clear, with deadlines and specific steps, and has one mission.

​
While focusing on one area of your life for a period might temporarily interfere with immediate gratification for a few areas, you put yourself in a position to see sustained, long-term change in a domino effect for multiple areas.

​
It's like closing all of the tabs on your computer and working on one task. Singular focus. No interruptions. Pride for a job well done. Do that thing so successfully that you will be motivated to make other goals and do them one at a time. You need the sheer euphoria of having set your sights on something and achieved it. You need to bask in the glow of task completion. You need the ecstasy of being proud you went from start to finish. You need the high of the prize.

​
​A quality goal may scare you because it will take you out of your comfort zone.

In fact, all of your goals should produce a smidgen of anxiety because there is something at stake.

It might make you think you're selling yourself short because you'd have so much free time with all of the things you're not doing. You might even think this is all just an elaborate ruse for me to one-up you by encouraging you to set yourself back! But nah. ​
​

Anything you determine to be important has risk attached to it, but also reward.

If you focused on just one thing for a sustained period of time, how much better could you do that one thing? How much more reward could you see? How much better could you feel?

Friends, as a therapist, I can tell you the amount of TIME AND MONEY people tend to save when they work on goals this way is fierce! But what about what you could FEEL if you gave up the dead-end game of goal multi-tasking?

A quality goal sets up its own rewards in feelings, time, money, and purpose.

​
I don't have to give you examples of areas where you've done one thing at a time and been rewarded for it (but I will). Think about listening to someone speak. We limit distractions. We might take notes. We ask questions if we need clarity. Most of us know what happens if we are texting, driving, or have too many tabs open when other people are speaking to us. We lose efficiency, focus and time. We miss the message.

​
When we do one thing at a time, we keep efficiency and momentum. But here's an even bigger win: self-reinforcing systems are created when they are attached to pride and pleasure.

​
​We set more goals when we are happy to fulfill them.

​
If you set yourself up to do one clear thing, successfully, you may be happier to keep at it. No interruptions. No obstacles. No self-sabotage. Just action + satisfaction for one area. When your one area is complete, you can then move onto other areas and refine your system.

​
Friend, That's my challenge for you for 2023—pick one domain and create one goal.

What do you want to consider before picking and sticking to an area, you ask?

​
​For now, this is the question you'll want to answer:

In what area of my life do I want to be more aligned with my integrity?

By this I mean, everyday, every week, every month, and every year, you decide what is important to you. You then do things that move you in that direction, keep you aligned, or within your integrity.

If you value health, you may go to bed by 10pm or ride your bicycle in the mornings. If you value financial literacy, you may read books on the subject, or invest in a checking account with $0 in fees and no minimum balances. If you value yourself, you may say 'yes' to activities that match your skillset and 'no' to requests that exceed your boundaries.

If you are staying within your integrity, what you consider important, the priority level, and the energy you give it all match. When those things don't match, i.e. you say you value saving money, but you exceed your budget every week, you are living outside of your integrity! We want to stay within our integrity, so our lives have value, meaning, and are purposefully lived.

Let's get into alignment for 2023. We can help each other.

Once you have a goal, sit with it. How does it feel? What will you be able to do if you meet this goal? In what ways will you be able to give more generously? How would your assumptions about the world change, if you could accomplish this thing? This is why we pick only one thing to focus on.

Don't worry about the specific steps, yet. We will go over this more in later articles.

No gimmicks. Nothing sleezy. Just clarity, dedication, and busting though barriers as they arise. I'll be checking in to help you get there— wherever you want to go. I have a goal of my own to work on.

We're going to keep talking about our mindset around goals, movement, barriers, and achievement throughout the year.

Don't feel in a rush to get started with the steps, just pick the area you want to focus on. I'll help you with the mindset changes needed to navigate it. Thinking this way....this is the kind of change you need for the long-game, so start now. We can do it together.

Have a particular barrier you want help navigating? Send me an email at kasey@cultureoftherapy.com and let me help you out!

Sending peace and prosperity your way.

xoxo Kasey David